05:30

or: silence and sunrise


...and somehow god migth come into that picture, too. though i am not sure there.
well, after one week of being here, i guess i owe you all some explanation. plus some pictures, which will come at the end of this post. and, especially for my new readers, i have to give you a warning and an apology: since i am a student oh theology, and here for the purpose of studying religions in japan, i might sometimes write a bit too theological. especially now, with readers from so varied backgrounds, it will be difficult to write appropriately. so, please bear with me if i am writing too specialised. you can always complain or ask me!
especially this article might be a little difficult to understand for those who are not acquainted with christianity, since i will deal with a catholic monastery, being myself a protestant theologian-to-be. if it gets too much, just scroll down and look at the pictures. ^^ i think the next articles will be better.
but, now, i am here, and being in this situation gives me a lot to think. and, since i have a lot of time up here, thinking is what i do most of the time.
my day starts at 5:30. yeah, can you imagine that? it's friggin' early! i mean, i of all people - it is more common to me to go to bed at that time than to rise...!
well, the good thing is, i get to see the sunrise. which is something really beautiful.
so, why do i have to get up that early? well, at 6:15 starts the meditation, zazen, and rigth after that they (we?) celebrate the mass. for those who don't know zazen: it is basically sitting silently for a certain amount of time on a meditation cushion (which is a nice, but not necessary accessory), trying to let go of all thought, to clean your mind. i guess i can tell you more after my stay in the buddhist temple later.
trouble is, it's still dark, i am damn tired, and fifteen minutes is not enough to calm my mind down. well, anyway, i just sit there and admire the wall. ^^
then, after jsut a little redecoration, there is the mass in the same room. for those who don't know about that: a mass is the most holy church service in the catholic church, constisting of several bible readings, some (in our case very short) speech from the priest, usually some singing, definitely some praying, and the holy communion. so, the communion... the idea is that jesus, the night before he was captured, had a meal with his disciples and at that time shared bread and wine with them, saying 'this is my blood' and 'this is my body' (or whatever the appropriate old and holy term in english is, i have no idea) and 'you should do that from now on to remember me'. well, and since then church had a mighty problem what the whole thing meant. i mean, is the bread and wine really his flesh and blood? or just symbolically? and who could share in it? it was one of the big reasons for big trouble, church splits, etc. and right now the japanese protestant church has some mighty trouble there, because - is the communtion only for the baptised? or for anyone?
well - that's the kind of thing that happens when a faith becomes institutionalized. you try to get everything right, until you don't know what you are talking about anymore. at least, that's the danger.
so, in the german protestant church, they (after a long time of hating each other) finally had some agreement on the subject, and since then the major different protestant churches in germany are kind of joined together and we share the communion. but, ah, the catholics... as always, there's is a different story. well, they don't really see us as a church anyway. and basically a catholic priest is only allowed to give the holy communion to fellow catholics. don't aks me for the dogmatic reasons for all that, i have no idea, unfortunately.
somehow (and now i am speaking of both, catholicas and protestants (well, most protestants)) this meal-thing got turned into something very very holy (well, okay, kind of understandeable if you are eating god's blood and flesh), very official. all the words and gestures are set down, and now you don't sit down and have a meal, like thos guys did back then, but you do in during a church service, and you get only a small piece of white flat round bread, some kind of wafer, with absolutely no taste or nourishment to it, and then a sip of wine. usually white, cause you never get red wine-stains off anything.
so. why am i writing about this? maybe some of you are already guessing: at first, even though welcomed warmly into this small community, the priest passed us by during communion. to my own surprised, i was really angered by this! i thought, how do you want to be a place of interreligious dialogue if you cannot even accept those close to yu in faith!
it is quite interesting to me how much this bothered me. as you know, i am no church-goer usually, and communtion in churchto me mostly means long times of sitting and waiting until everyone had their share. i never thougth it might become such an emotional issue for me. and even now, i don't really know what it means to me, this bread and wine- thing. what am i eating there? i mean, rationally, it's obvious. but what does my faith say? is this really christ's body and blood? kind of disgusting, isn't it? but on the other hand - by eating something you truly make it part of yourself. so, by eating christ's, god's son's body, you take something of god into yourself. that is a beautiful idea, isn't it?
well, anyway, it's a community thing, and as i figured our for myself here, i think it becomes meaningless if you exclude people. jesus didn't ak who was baptized before he started the custom. and he never cared about labels anyway, he cared about what was in people's minds and hearts. and that doesn't have a lot to do with the group of faith (or non-faith) you belong to.

the funny thing is, after raging about that and finding my own dogmatic standpoint, the whole thing deflated. a while later, the priest came to us and asked us (us meaning sebastian, the other german guy who came with me, and myself) if we wanted to share in the communion. so i thought, so i said yes, so now i get some bread'n'wine for breakfast.

okay. so where was i? right, mass. well, at the end of mass we always go out to see the sun rise. really nice. only if it wasn's so damn cold! then we have breakfast in silence. could be nice, could make everyone more attentive at everyone else, could create a calm atmosphere, but in fact it ends up being a rather quick affair, everyone busy with their plate. hm.
then there is samu, another buddhist thing: do some work, usually some cleaning up, as a spiritual exercise, as a way of cleaning up your heart/the world. sebastian and i were assigned a stretch of road to clean, which is nice, because it gets you warm. after sitting in the freezing hall for over one hour, it is good to get moving. still, you are not supposed to talk. only after samu you should start talking. that is also when my free time starts. either i do some more work, or i do some studying (they have an excellent small library about theology etc), or i read something, or take a walk in the beautiful surroudings. at 12 there is lunch, and at 5 there is the next prayer, after that some silence, in which you are supposed to pray or something like that and which i have at least partly used to finally read those parts of the bible which i didn't get round to reading yet. well, at least i finally finished ezechiel... and i am halfway through the little prophets, but now i am stuck, because i found soem science-fiction books on my laptop, so now i am reading that...
6.30 is supper, and after that the last prayer, and then again silence, with not much to do. supposedly you are alone with god, in fact i am rather alone with a nice hot bath, or a book, or some anime episodes... guess i am not cut out for the contemplative life. well, really, at the beginning i loved it, all the quietness and structure and also all the praying and bible reading. i mean, i am a christian, after all, and that means quite something to me (hell, i am studying theology! possibly becoming a pastor...), but i don't go to church often, and i have still not finished reading the bible (though i already had an exam about it). so being reminded of god so many times a day, and being in this prayerful atmosphere, is beautiful. on the other hand, after one week things kind of get too holy for me. too much contemplation doesn't lead to wisdom but to self-centered brooding. i don't need a chapel or a church to pray, and no monastery to do god's works (or what i hope and think they are). bold words... i hope not too bold. maybe i am just foolish and proud. cause one thing is definitely true: it is much easier to forget about god, and my faith, when i am busy with studying and doing other stuff.
well, anyway. the place is beautiful, and i really like the way they incorporate japanese architecture, style, traditions and ideas into their christian monastic life. also, the people are so friendly! and open.
it's quite interesting: this place was basically started 23 years ago as a branch of a temple (!) down in the village with the highly unusual name of albert-schweitzer-temple. now, albert schweitzer was a protestant pastor who went to africa to start a hospital and care for people, and in his ethics he emphasized the value of every life-form, be it human, other animals or plants. 'i am life wanting to live amidst life wanting to live' would be my clumsy translation of one of his famous quotes (ich bin leben, das leben will, inmitten von leben, das leben will). now the priest of this temple was very concerned about the death penalty in japan, and did a lot to influence people and get it abolished. and so, at some point, he met a protestant pastor who told him of schweitzer and how he reminded him of him, and somehow he had a lock of schweitzer's hair (warum auch immer) and gave it to the priest, who enshrined it in a small stupa in his temple. (stupas are usually used to enrshrine buddhist relics.) so, this priest met father franco, a catholic priest from italy who was working in japan, and together they decided to build that place, and here we are. quite something, isn't it?
but then again... how can a monastery be a place for interreligious dialogue? wouldn't a more neutral ground be more appropriate?
i guess it's true, you can't get a dialogue by trying to make different religions the same; you need to let the diferences stay, clearly, and you need to keep your own ideas just as much as you have to accept the other's ideas. but still.
and, the ting which i really disagree with: father franco's ultimate whish is to christianize the world. (very bluntly and crudely put, sorry.) he says, it dialogue and mutual understanding are wonderful, and he does not have to convince anyone of anyting, but he hopes the others will see the truth at some point.
hm.
well.
if you are a convinced christian, that seems to be the correct answer. i mean, the bible keeps saying there is only one god, the only way is jesus, etc. so, if i want to save everyone, i should try to make them christians. and, accepting that not everyone wants to become christian, i should still hope.
only, i can't. i mean, yeah, for me, very personally, i say i belive onely in that one god, and for me personally only this one god exists. but how can i say i am absolutely right? how can i say that my religion, which claims absolute truth, is more right than any of those religons out there claiming to be true too? maybe one if them is right, and all the others wrong, but how can i know it's the one i happen to believe in ? (cause, to be honest, i mostly ended up christian because i was born in a mostly christian country into a christian family; had i been born in, say, turkey, i might be a muslim, and so on.)
well, i also rather dislike thos pluralistic theologies where they try to eliminate the things which religions separate from each other to show that we are actually all one. because i disagree. those religoins are all very distinct from each other. which is fine, i think.
i mean, can't we all accept each other, and let each other be as different as we are - and truly respect each other? not with that 'yea, you're okay, but actually i am right' attitude, but being aware that the other might actually be just as right as i am? i know, that is no easy way to take. in fact, it's damn hard, because it makes you insecure. you become vulnerable.
the ncc centre, where i spent the last three months studying, developed in that way. first, it was an institute to study the japanese religions on order to christianize the people better. but more and more it became an institute where people came to learn from each other, and finally now it is at a point like that i described above: open, to a point where it becomes difficult.
and, honestly, i think that is just the point where i want to be.

okay, enough theology, sorry. i guess this is the most theological article i ever wrote, and don't worry, i don't think there will be too much more soon. to round it off, let me show you how the place here looks like:

that's my desk, where i am sitting at right now, writing this thing.

buddha, 'waiting' outside next to the chapel.

mary, standing instide next to the chapel.

one of the several houses, beautifully designed to fit into the beautiful landscape by an architect from the village

the main hall looks like a buddhist hall, is also called 'hondo' and even has a stone garden, buddha included. note it is a kannon statue, the buddha known for his mercy, cradling a child in his arms - kannon statues had been used during the ban on christianity as secret mary statues.

ah, the beauty of nature! the pleasure of taking a walk in the woods after spending so long in a city!

sebastian, my 'colleague'

maybe the most beautiful, but also one of the coldest libraries i ever read in

the see, the see!

the vulcanoe, the vulcanoe!

the sunrise this morning!

the ice! the coldness!

working priest. could you imagine he is 75 years old?!

working nun: reyna from mexico

before you accuse me of having gained weight, please remember that i am waring about 6 layers of clothing. no joke.

inside the chapel - i suspected you wanted to see my face, too... ^^

and, the chapen without me. quite nice, isn't it?

okay, so much for now, i guess i'll do some reading now. i'll try to get myself to read something useful, a really interesting book about gender and the trinity (trinity is a theological word used to describe the christian concept of god who is one, but at the same time three - father, son and holy spirit. another issue of the churches... ) i picked up at the library, but i think i'll end up reading sci-fi or sleeping. how can you manage with only five or six hours of sleep every night? i surely can't.



ps: having re-read the first sentence again, i realize i forgot something.
a while ago, a good friend of mine wrote something in his blog (see link to your right), musing about his own understanding of god. the sentence that stayed with me was 'god is in the tea.' and yes, since god is incomprehensible and you can never put borders around him, saying he isn't his or that, indeed, i agree: god is in the tea. but also, i remembered a very beautiful passage in the old testament, where a prophet runs away after having killed a good number of priests of another god, because he is afraid of the king's wrath (i think). an angel takes care of him, and then he is somewhere in a cave, and god says he will come to him. so the prophet waits. there is a storm, but god is not in the storm. there is an earthquake (right?), but god is not in that either. and then, there is a very light wind - and the prophet hides his face, because there is god.
i always liked that idea, because in the old testament god is often depicted as powerful, vengeful, all that kind of big, strong images - and now it's the contrary. (plus, in a way it's a criticism for the way the prophet had acted before, i think. i hope, anyway, cause slaughtering other priest isn't something i approve of.)
so, god is in the soft wind, too, if he wants to.
this is what i thought some days ago, during evening prayer, standing outside, watching the beautiful sunset and feeling a soft breeze.
so, god is in this wind.
so, he is around me just now.
so, he is possibly everywhere around me - in the trees, the sun, everything.
well, then - god is in me, too.

kind of strange, that thought.
kind of frightening, isn't it?